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Post by Benj on Sept 7, 2006 21:25:12 GMT
said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?" Haha ;D |
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 7, 2006 22:06:36 GMT
These are in the true spirit of a dreadful jokes thread. YAP, I am proud of you.  |
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 14, 2006 10:58:10 GMT
Courtesy of Indy, these are seriously bad.
Anacrusis, send my apologies to the kids ;D
1.Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3.Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:"
A beer please, and one for the road."
6.Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"
7."Doctor, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8.Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9.An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't
find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14.What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15.Two fish swim into a concrete wall.
The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!".
16.Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak
and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in
the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to
disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother.
Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she
also had a picture of Ahmal.
Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen
Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd
diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him..............A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by
halitosis.
20.And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his
friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 14, 2006 11:01:06 GMT
An American businessman flies into London and before booking in to the Ritz, he visits a phone booth by Green Park underground and takes a phone number off a display.
He rushes up to his suite and straight onto the phone and dials... "Good afternoon, sir...."
"ppppo madam, I've literally just arrived from the US and would like to come round to see you a soon as possible. I would like chase you round the apartment, naked, for at least half an hour. I would like to have really k*nky free-for-all s*x, for at least half an hour, finished by you bathing with me for a final half hour."
Ladies voice again. "Well sir, your suggestions sound most interesting, but perhaps you'd like to dial 9 for an outside line."
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Post by bing on Sept 14, 2006 12:14:33 GMT
Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.
The patient replies:
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."
Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.
The patient responds:
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."
Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on
to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."
now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and
asks
"Is this a psychiatric ward?"
"No," replies the doctor,
"this is the serious Burns unit."
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Post by YetAnotherKlavierist on Sept 14, 2006 12:16:51 GMT
A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a long-distance caw.
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Post by bing on Sept 14, 2006 12:19:04 GMT
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
(You're singing it, aren't you? ?Yeah, I know you are........)
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 14, 2006 13:12:26 GMT
(You're singing it, aren't you? ?Yeah, I know you are........) ;D ;D ;D Oh, Ye Gods, I was, too  |
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Post by Benj on Sept 14, 2006 16:08:52 GMT
Have you lot been speaking to my french teacher, cause you seem to know all the dreadful ones she tells!!  |
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Post by anacrusis on Sept 14, 2006 16:16:22 GMT
*speechless with laughter again*
*crawls under desk*
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Post by chocolatedog on Sept 14, 2006 16:16:49 GMT
 ;D  |
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 14, 2006 22:49:33 GMT
*speechless with laughter again* *crawls under desk* Sat in the garden for a nightcap a few minutes ago, I realised. It isn't really your kids crack up at this stuff. It is you, isn't it? ;D Fess up ;D |
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Post by bing on Sept 15, 2006 7:16:15 GMT
(For Friday morning....... ) The phone rings... "Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mummy near the phone?" "No Daddy, she's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul." After a brief pause...Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul." "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy, right now." Brief pause... "Uh, okay then --- this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that, "DADDY'S CAR JUST PULLED INTO THE DRIVEWAY!" "Okay Daddy, just a minute"! A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked. "Well, Mummy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!" "Oh my God!! What about your Uncle Paul?" "He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead." Long pause.... Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool?? .... Is this 0208 337 5731"  |
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 15, 2006 9:18:33 GMT
The Loving Husband...
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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Post by anacrusis on Sept 15, 2006 15:34:50 GMT
*speechless with laughter again* *crawls under desk* Sat in the garden for a nightcap a few minutes ago, I realised. It isn't really your kids crack up at this stuff. It is you, isn't it? ;D Fess up ;D Those ones I read when the kids were in bed. I do pass some of them on, though, and the little one looks like  , and the big one like ;D Course I crack up. Hence need to crawl under desk... |
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