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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 2, 2006 13:35:32 GMT
I thought we should have a dreadful jokes thread.
Here is one that just came via email:
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her peton the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure"?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure"? she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examinationtable and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. £150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead"?
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.
;D ;D ;D
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Post by princessmoose on Jul 2, 2006 13:37:24 GMT
Haha I liked the joke you emailed me yesterday......can't post that on here though ;D.
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Post by Trebor on Jul 2, 2006 13:41:11 GMT
ar away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten" As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his Sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cokktail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn cokktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked?
"He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain the torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed. I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian."
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Post by princessmoose on Jul 2, 2006 13:43:37 GMT
ROFL ;D
That is dreadful, but hilarious!
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Post by Trebor on Jul 2, 2006 13:44:30 GMT
I hate puns...
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 3, 2006 11:17:51 GMT
Latest one:
An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp: "Excuthe me, mithter do you keep widdle wabbiths?" The shopkeeper's heart melts and he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?" She, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't fink my python weally givth a phuck."
;D
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Post by princessmoose on Jul 3, 2006 11:18:49 GMT
;D
Where do you get this from!?
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 3, 2006 11:22:15 GMT
Email from indy.
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Post by princessmoose on Jul 3, 2006 11:24:03 GMT
Ah, fab!
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Post by hoxie on Jul 5, 2006 20:07:21 GMT
;D ;D ;D They are absolutely horrendous...but they still made me laugh!!
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Post by annc on Jul 5, 2006 20:35:55 GMT
A surgeon, a civil engineer and a politician were arguing about which of their occupations was the oldest. The surgeon said "Mine was the first, when Eve was made out of Adam's rib." "No", said the civil engineer, "the first bit of civil engineering was when God made the Earth in six days. Before that, everything was chaos." "Ah!", said the politician, "but who made the chaos?"
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Post by overthehill_clarinettist on Jul 8, 2006 17:30:16 GMT
I still find these hilariously funny - they were on a Shreddies packet back in the 70s!!
Q What do you call a judge with no thumbs?
A Justice Fingers
Q What's yellow and leaps from cake to cake?
A Tarzipan
OK I've got an 11yr old's sense of humour!
Couldn't possibly type any of the others I find hilarious - I generally need someone to drag me UP to the gutter!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 8, 2006 17:33:15 GMT
Awwwww. Go on ;D
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Post by Trebor on Jul 8, 2006 21:51:31 GMT
Edit: ok, the censorship makes the joke slightly tricky. The hashed word is bannana, I only use it in the least pejorative sense.
There was once a bus conductor, and he had really bad anger management problems, One day a woman on the bus refused to pay the fare. Well, the bus conductor got so angry he killed her. He was tried and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
The day for his execution came, and they took him out of his cell and brought him to the chair. The guard said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green ######, please."
So they got him an unripe green ######, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
The guards rewired the chair and tested it a few times, and it worked perfectly. They brought the man back and said, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green ######, please."
So they got him an unripe green ######, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened. So he was taken back to his cell.
Well, the guards bought a brand new electric chair. This one was amazing: leather seats, gold-plated armrests studded with rubies, the works. It was an incredible sight.
They brought the man back and asked, "Have you any last requests?"
The man replied, "Yes, I'd like an unripe green ######, please."
So they got him an unripe green ######, and he peeled it, ate it, and threw the skin away, and they strapped him to the chair.
"Are you ready?" they asked.
"Yes," he said.
And they hit the switch. And nothing happened.
Now, in this particular state, there was a law that if someone survived the electric chair three times, he must be set free. So the man was released, and as soon as he stepped out of the prison, the press was all over him. He walked through the crowd and the flashing cameras until he saw a small man who asked, "Have you discovered some miraculous phenomenon of unripe green ######s?"
"No," he replied, "I've just always been a bad conductor."
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 9, 2006 9:43:56 GMT
unnnngggghhhhhhhhhhhhh ;D
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