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Post by anacrusis on Jul 10, 2006 17:08:56 GMT
Did you hear about the scarecrow who got an OBE? He got it for being outstanding in his field.
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Post by petite joueuse on Jul 10, 2006 18:47:23 GMT
That deserves an exalt!!! (My kids are rolling on the floor groaning dramatically!)
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 10, 2006 20:14:44 GMT
Me too. What have I started? ;D
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Post by anacrusis on Jul 10, 2006 21:51:12 GMT
Thanks for the exalt, PJ! You'll now be safe from me - can't think of any more groaners...though thinking about it, my son does have a very very large joke book, heh, heh. Just looked. They're not even groan-worthily funny.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 10, 2006 21:58:26 GMT
Just looked. They're not even groan-worthily funny. Phew
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Post by musicbaby on Jul 16, 2006 18:44:38 GMT
You need another funny joke to go on this thread.... How do you get an elephant in a fridge? < < < < < < < < < < < Open the door and shove it in! ;D < < < < < < < < < < < How do you get a giraffe in the fridge? < < < < < < < < < < < Open the door, take the elephant out and shove it in! < < < < < < < < < < < The lion is having a party and all the animals are invited, which animal does not attend? < < < < < < < < < < < The giraffe because it is still in the fridge! < < < < < < < < < < < You need to cross a wide river full of crocodiles - how do you cross it? < < < < < < < < < < < Cross it anyway because all the crocodiles are at the lion's party! musicbaby - sorry they aren't very funny!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 19, 2006 12:55:38 GMT
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toasty?". The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toasty. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toasty, he then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toasty. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the toasty. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toasty, please barman". The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toasty and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down. The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending and the barman is making more money in one week, than he did all last year. In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toasty, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses. The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of Ham and Cheese Toasties". The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toasty". The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it?" The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile says "Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it". "Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toasty". The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toasty, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.... .....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his own) calls "Time". When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, "Who are you?" To which he is answered "I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house". The barman says, "I remember you, you made me famous! You would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous" The rabbit says, "Yes I know". The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead" The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it". The barman said "You never came back, what happened?" "I DIED", said the Rabbit. "NO!" said the barman," what from". After a short pause. The rabbit said... > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > "Mixin'-me-toasties".
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Post by anacrusis on Jul 19, 2006 13:27:06 GMT
aaaaarrrrghhh! now my kids are rolling on the floor groaning.... ;D ;D ;D (my son just bumped his head in the effort too.)
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 27, 2006 22:30:13 GMT
This was told me by 14 year old Helen last night. It tickled me hugely. It is not suitable for children (hmmm.... apart from 14 year old girls, it seems). Anacrusis, anybody else reading this with their children, I am not joking. Look somewhere else. - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A young mother is pregnant with triplets. She is caught up in an armed bank robery and is shot three times in the stomach. Miraculously she survives, as do her children. The doctors cannot find the bullets but tell the young mother-to-be not to worry, as the bullets will appear eventually. The triplets (two girls and a boy) are born and grow up healthy and happy, until aged 13: One daughter rushes into her mum. Distraught, she explains, "I did a pee, mum, and out came a bullet." Mum explains what happened 13 years ago and reassures her daughter that all is well. A few minutes later, daughter no 2 rushes in, and the same exchange ensues. A few minutes later and the son rushes in, clearly distraught. Mum says, "I know, son, you did a pee and out came a bullet?" Son replies, "No mum. I had a good masturbate and shot the dog."
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Post by anacrusis on Jul 28, 2006 19:56:21 GMT
;D ;D ;D
(read very late last night, when the kids were safely tucked up!)
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Post by princessmoose on Jul 28, 2006 20:02:38 GMT
Haha, that's brill! ;D
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Post by YetAnotherKlavierist on Jul 28, 2006 20:23:12 GMT
;D That's great.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 30, 2006 11:05:50 GMT
I don't remember jokes easily, but this one has stayed with me for over 20 years. Not sure whether kids should read it, so parents use your discretion. In her capacity as Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces, the Queen is visiting the hospital wing of the Horse Guards barracks. She is escorted by a ridiculously proud Colour Sergeant, bristling with medals and pride and resplendent in full uniform. There are three patients in the ward. HRH approaches the first one. "What is your problem, Private?" she asks. Lying strictly to attention, the soldier replies, "Piles Marm. Sorry." "Not to worry, Private" HRH replies, sympathetically. "This is a normal human condition - just not very pleasant. Turning to the Colour Sergeant, HRH asks solicitously, "I take it you treat this complaint with sympathy, understanding and a full complement of drugs?" Using his best parade ground bellow CS roars, "NO MARM. NO SYMPATHY FOR MODERN SOLDIERS. NO DRUGS EITHER." "So how do you treat this problem?" asks HRH. "WIRE BRUSH AND DETOL, MARM, WIRE BRUSH AND DETOL" shrieks the CS. Wincing, HRH turns to the soldier and says, "I hope you will recover soon. Private. What is your ambition in life?" "To recover to full fitness and carry on serving you, Marm." the trooper replies. Full of her own pride at such a brave boy, HRH approaches the next bed and asks of the occupant, "And what is your problem, Private?" Also lying strictly to attention but with a face as red as that of the CS's tunic, the young man gestures vaguely 'down there' and replies, "Terribly sorry to report Marm, that I have an std." HRH is expert at dealing with such things. "Never mind young man. We are all people of the world here. Just be more careful next time, perhaps?" Turning to the CS, she asks, "And the treatment for this condition is.........?" "WIRE BRUSH AND DETOL, MARM, WIRE BRUSH AND DETOL" bellows the CS at a decibel level that rocks the foundations of nearby buildings. Past wincing now, HRH turns back to the trooper and says, "I hope you will recover soon. Private. What is your ambition in life?" "To recover to full fitness and carry on serving you, Marm." the trooper replies. HRH smiles warmly and approaches the third bed. "What is your problem soldier?" she asks the patient. Also lying strictly to attention, the soldier gestures to HRH to come closer. She does so, and in a very hoarse, barely audible voice whispers, "Laryngitis, Marm. Sorry I cannot speak more loudly." HRH turns to the CS and says, "Wire brush and Detol, Colour Sergeant?" "YES MARM. NO OTHER TREATMENT AVAILABLE IN THIS MAN'S ARMY." HRH leans over to the soldier and asks, "What is your ambition, young man?" The soldier answers, "To get hold of that sodding wire brush before those other nuisances."
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Post by princessmoose on Jul 30, 2006 11:08:36 GMT
Haha, nice, good job too, seeing as it took you forever to type it out .
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Aug 2, 2006 20:45:21 GMT
Only read this one if you want to be sorry - it lives up to the true spirit of this thread. Steve Subject: Fw: Robinson Crusoe A retired corporate executive, now a widower, decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bottle of gins and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet." No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two nionfeos honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . . " he swallows excitedly and tears start to form in his eyes. "Don't tell me you've built a Golf Course!!!"
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