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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 6, 2007 20:31:19 GMT
Subject: What a coincidence!
A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne , too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, and I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
"What a coincidence!" says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man, "I'm a chicken farmer and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I used a different thingy," he replied.
The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence. .
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Post by anacrusis on Feb 6, 2007 20:51:25 GMT
Even funnier for having been bowdlerised on the punchline
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 9, 2007 22:46:57 GMT
The Cork
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.
If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"
I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my arse."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first Arab says, "I was walking along Russell Street And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akurbra hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Ozzie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No s-h-i-t?"
God Bless Australia
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 9, 2007 22:49:34 GMT
Subject: Confessions
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
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There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
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An old man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues.
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, and many children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two college girls who were hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: 'And Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Then why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody!"
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Post by jod on Feb 10, 2007 11:31:10 GMT
Why do the staff at WH smiths think Australians are nymphomaniacs?
Because they walk in pick up a sheet of wrapping paper then ask where they can find a roll of durex.
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Post by petite joueuse on Feb 11, 2007 15:18:33 GMT
What do you get if you cross a chav with half a brain-cell?
A gifted chav!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 15, 2007 21:34:18 GMT
Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn, that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course, she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."
She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"
His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny.... but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 16, 2007 6:42:09 GMT
This is one of the funniest things I have read for a long time.
____________________________________________ Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow. The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. You're going to love this...... Rolls Royce responded with the following one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."
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Post by possom on Feb 16, 2007 11:33:54 GMT
Not so much a joke as it's real life, but should make you chuckle abit The following is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation that took place in October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and some British authority. The transcript was released by the MoD. BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision. BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course. AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. BRITS: We are a lighthouse. F*** off . ;D
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Post by chocolatedog on Feb 16, 2007 12:38:33 GMT
;D ;D ROFL
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Post by Dulciana on Feb 16, 2007 17:56:39 GMT
A text I got today:
DO NOT PANIC. THERE IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM. BERNHARD MATTHEWS IS ONLY KILLING YOUNG, FIRM-BREASTED BIRDS.
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Post by possom on Feb 16, 2007 20:59:36 GMT
I'm in the same boat ;D
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 18, 2007 10:33:31 GMT
Subject: Mouse surgery I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face! This was a real memo sent out by IBM to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences. 'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.'
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Post by chocolatedog on Feb 18, 2007 10:45:32 GMT
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Feb 19, 2007 21:49:49 GMT
Subject: FW: Sixty
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."
"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6:00 - I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."
Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."
Boom Boom !!!
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