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Post by Steve Hopwood on May 30, 2008 22:30:49 GMT
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck. "Huey," was the reply. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey. "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?" "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two. "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked. "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
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Post by Steve Hopwood on May 30, 2008 22:36:16 GMT
Ok, so a bit more in keeping with the original purpose of this thread:
FW: Mating Call
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about,. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'
The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave,tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
You'll like this
NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jun 7, 2008 19:43:25 GMT
>> An elderly couple was attending church services. >> >> About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband, ' I just let >> out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?' >> >> He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jun 12, 2008 22:54:49 GMT
Ok, so I am not completely convinced about the truthfulness of what follows, but I can imagine a few would wish it to be so............
SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is the message that, apparently, a Secondary School staff in the Christchurch, New Zealand voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and Parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
The outgoing message:
'ppppo! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection: * To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1 * To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work- Press 2 * To complain about what we do - Press 3 * To swear at staff members - Press 4 * To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several other letters posted to you - Press 5 * If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6 * If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7 * To request another teacher, for the third time this year -Press 8 * To complain about bus transport - Press 9 * To complain about school lunches - Press 0
LASTLY: If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jun 16, 2008 21:55:32 GMT
On a tour of NZ, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the ocean for some sightseeing.
He was cruising along the beach at Wanganui in his car, when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore. A helpless man wearing a green and gold Aussie rugby jersey was struggling frantically to free himself, from the jaws of a 5-metre shark. As the Pope watched horrified, a Waka cruised up alongside with two men wearing All Black jerseys. Rangi quickly threw a harpoon into the shark's side. Hohepa reached out and pulled the mauled, bleeding and semi-conscious Aussie from the water. Then, using long clubs, Rangi and Hohepa killed the shark and hauled it into the boat. Immediately the Pope summoned them to the beach, 'I give you my blessing for your brave actions,' he told them. 'I heard that there was some bitter rivalry between New Zealand and Australia, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true.' As the Pope drove off, Rangi asked Hohepa 'Who the place where satan lives was that, bro?' 'That was the Pope cuz' Hohepa replied. 'He's in direct contact with God bro, and has access to all of God's wisdom.' 'Well' Rangi said, 'he may have access to God's wisdom, but he don't know nuisance all about shark fishing .......... Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another Aussie?
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 27, 2008 9:15:20 GMT
DEATH ROW
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, 'Shoot me right in the head.' Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, 'Just hang me.' (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, 'Give me some of that AIDS stuff.'
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, 'Give me another one of those shots,' so the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, 'What is wrong with you?'
The Irishman replied, 'You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom.'
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 27, 2008 21:43:21 GMT
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'ppppo, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!' George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
I LOVE IT - Don't mess with old people!!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 29, 2008 6:35:57 GMT
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.' 'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'
A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'
Instead of giving the answer, the Teacher split the class into 2 groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give 4 reasons for its recommendation.
The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the Feminine Gender ('la computadora'), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. THIS GETS BETTER....
The women's group, however, concluded that a 'computer' should be Masculine ('el computador') because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on.
2 They have a lot of data, but still can't think for themselves.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The Women Won!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Aug 6, 2008 11:41:37 GMT
Another from Down Under.
A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a poem with the most romantic first line, but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you because I was in?briated.
I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving, and hot This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming
My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way?
My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to place where satan lives"
What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts Vodka, one part lime
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Aug 14, 2008 11:25:29 GMT
Alright, this guy renounces the material world, divests of all earthly possesssions and joins an elite order of monks. As part of their discipline, they are allowed to say only two words every 7 years.
Seven years pass, he appears before the head monk, and says, "bed ,,, hard". And walks out.
Seven more years go by, he goes to the head monk and says, dejectedly, "food....... lousy!". Walks out the door.
Seven more years pass, he walks swiftly into the head monk's office and says, abruptly, "I .. QUIT".
The head monk replies, "I'm not surprised. You've done nothing but pregnant dog since you got here!"
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Aug 14, 2008 11:30:04 GMT
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The barman walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
'Where on earth did you get that?' says the barman.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the barman and says: 'Here. Rub it.' So the barman rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. 'I will grant you one wish. Just ! one wish ~ each person is only allowed wish one!'
The barman gets really excited. Without hesitating he says, 'I want a million bucks!'
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.....Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks ... and they keep coming! The barman turns to the man and says, 'Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf.I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.'
'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Aug 20, 2008 19:35:39 GMT
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket, and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'
'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't push me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'
The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'
The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens....'
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Aug 23, 2008 16:47:17 GMT
Last night my friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to > her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some > machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no > quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' > > > So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
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Post by chocolatedog on Aug 23, 2008 18:50:23 GMT
Last night my friend and I were sitting in the den and I said to > her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some > machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no > quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug.' > > > So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine. I guess this is the truth, not a joke this time......!!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 1, 2008 23:19:55 GMT
I nearly didn't post this, it is so bad - then I remembered what this thread is supposed to be about, so here goes.
You have been warned. This is one of the genuinely worst yet.
CATHOLIC BLONDE
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'. In tears she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'
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