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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 7, 2008 10:39:50 GMT
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?' To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!'
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Paddy was working atthe fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork's hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Let's be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'
'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'
And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'
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Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
Bob works hard at the plant and spends two nights each week bowling and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says, 'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?' Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it . She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says, 'Geez Bob, you picked up a real pregnant dog this time.'
BOB's funeral will be on Friday.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 7, 2008 22:45:56 GMT
I've read this before and it made me laugh - this time it made me laugh again - enjoy! How the fight started......
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station..... and then the fight started....
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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Millers Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer. would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started.
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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And then the fight started.....
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started.....
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....
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I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started.....
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 9, 2008 11:30:57 GMT
Wrong answer:
WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND:
Definitely not!
WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND:
Of course I do.
WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).
WIFE:
Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.
WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?
WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.
WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.
WIFE:
- silence - -
HUSBAND:
F * ck ....
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Post by chocolatedog on Sept 10, 2008 13:07:43 GMT
oops.......
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 21, 2008 9:07:17 GMT
Life at work is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but not a very nice persons.
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Post by chocolatedog on Sept 21, 2008 19:02:56 GMT
Love the censor!!! ;D
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 22, 2008 21:59:43 GMT
Hehe. Hadn't noticed that. ;D
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Sept 22, 2008 22:02:53 GMT
Subject: Italian Boy's Confession
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may
As
Well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Volpe?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi,
And I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an
Altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
Whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'4 months vacation and five good leads.'
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Post by caz on Sept 23, 2008 10:48:21 GMT
I feel the above joke should be disqualified from the dreadful jokes thread because it actually made me laugh! ;D
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Post by Dulciana on Sept 25, 2008 10:10:39 GMT
I still don't get the monkey one.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Oct 7, 2008 15:37:03 GMT
An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.
He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.' The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'
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Post by chocolatedog on Oct 7, 2008 19:02:38 GMT
Where do you get all these, Steve?! Or do you make them up while waiting for a late pupil??!!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Oct 7, 2008 22:17:01 GMT
Hehe. I would love to claim such originality and wit, but they are sent to me by a network of students\former students etc. Only the best\worst get through to here.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Oct 8, 2008 22:35:39 GMT
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.
Unfortunately, there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 note falls out onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag ..
'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!'
'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You didn't steal it, did you?'
'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds!'
'So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say, '$20 or off it comes'
'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. 'OK, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?'
'Well', says the little old lady, 'not everybody pays.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Oct 13, 2008 21:23:38 GMT
This is bad. You have been warned:
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Montecassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father ... during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.""There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "By doing that, you placed yourselves in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question.
""And what is that, my son?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"
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