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Post by Dulciana on Apr 20, 2009 0:22:03 GMT
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Apr 20, 2009 19:13:01 GMT
SMART ARSED ANSWERS 2008
The last one is a worthy winner.
6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
'What are my choices?' the man asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.
5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.'
4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The assistant replied, ' I'm afraid not, they're dead.'
3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and approached the boy racer he stopped for speeding.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the bobby said.
The kid replied, 'Yes, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read 'Low Bridge Ahead.' Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab And said to the driver, 'Got stuck, eh?'
The lorry driver said, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!'
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2008
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final exam.
'Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'
A smart-arsed guy at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?'
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I suppose you'd have to write with your other hand'.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Apr 23, 2009 22:32:40 GMT
CHILDREN’S PROVERBS
A Primary School teacher had twenty-six children in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to complete it. It's hard to believe these were actually done by Primary School children. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses .........until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ........... wasp is close.
3. It's always darkest before ...........Daylight Saving Time.
4.Never underestimate the power of ..........termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ........... How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............looks dirty.
7. No news is ..............impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ............ Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............. Maths
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ............stink in the morning
11. Love all, trust ............... me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ............... pigs.
13. An idle mind is ............the best way to relax
14. Where there's smoke there's .................pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ...............not much.
17. Two's company, three's ...............the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what you ........... put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you .......have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ..........Stevie Wonder
21. Children should be seen and not .......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ........... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you .........see in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ............ get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand is ...............going to poop on you.
And – the classic one
26. Better late than ..........
.......Pregnant!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Apr 23, 2009 22:34:47 GMT
The Global Facts ... At Any Given Moment:
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing. FACT: 79,000,000 people are engaged in sex right now. FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex. FACT: 1 old timer is reading emails.
You hang in there sunshine.......
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Apr 26, 2009 23:46:35 GMT
Edit: I love the censor's interference with the end of this. From New Zealand! Rectum stretcher While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, Then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet.' 'And just what the place where satan lives do you do with a 6 foot not a very nice person?' he asked 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.' Traffic Ticket $95.00 Court Costs $45.00 Look on the Cop's Face - PRICELESS!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on May 1, 2009 22:41:04 GMT
11 PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman.. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping ......
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Post by Steve Hopwood on May 22, 2009 22:39:14 GMT
My latest contributions have been too funny, so here is a return to the original concept of the thread:
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A set of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you ?'
7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common ?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.' 'I don't believe you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either. 10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. 11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any. 12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs !' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't - I've cut off your arms !'
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes ? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam !'
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were a bit cold, so they lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, And were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to Disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'
18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins ! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, Which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, He suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) . A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20 And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jun 11, 2009 22:05:39 GMT
Ode to the Spell Checker:
Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh
As son as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew.
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Post by chocolatedog on Jun 12, 2009 20:47:19 GMT
I love that poem!!! The great thing about spell checkers though is the alternatives they come up with!!! Think of Beethoven's Eroica for example!!!! ;D
Hmmmm ....... wonder if anyone's ever compiled a list of the best and funniest spell checker substitutions?
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jun 27, 2009 18:54:28 GMT
Little Susie goes home from school and tells her mum that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them .
Mum said . "YOU should say "NO" - they only want to look at your knickers"
Susie said "I know they do, that's why I hide them in my bag"!!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 1, 2009 23:14:52 GMT
AN EMAIL FROM GOD
One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behaviour that was going on. So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving ... only 5% are not.'
God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'
So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time also.
When this angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are being bad, but 5% are being good.'
God was not pleased.
So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.
Do you know what the email said?
No?
Okay, just wondering. I didn't get one either ........
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 20, 2009 21:55:02 GMT
A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'
'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!' The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'
The young girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Nice horse you've got there Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?' Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'
The little girl looked up at the cop and said,
'Next year tell Santa: The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top '
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 20, 2009 22:16:25 GMT
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Colin,the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting.
At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing All kinds of stuff like head butts and chokeholds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising place where satan lives..
Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.
Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.' 'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.
The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'
'No thanks. I don't want it,' answered Colin.
The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something.
That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again, Colin said "No."
Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?
Colin said,
I just want the bastard that pushed me in!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Jul 22, 2009 9:43:11 GMT
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."
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Post by chocolatedog on Jul 22, 2009 20:22:37 GMT
Ode to the Spell Checker: Eye halve a spelling chequer It came with my pea sea It plainly marques four my revue Miss steaks eye kin knot sea. Eye strike a key and type a word And weight four it two say Weather eye am wrong oar write It shows me strait a weigh As son as a mist ache is maid It nose bee fore two long And eye can put the error rite Its rare lea ever wrong Eye have run this poem threw it I am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect awl the weigh My chequer tolled me sew. Check here for the original in its entirety....... everything2.com/index.pl?node_id=1473690I found it as I was interested to know who'd actually written it.........
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