Dreadful jokes thread

[Steve Hopwood]

A young man called Paul invited his mother for dinner, during the Course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Paul's flatmate, Simon, was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Paul and his flatmate than met the eye.

Reading his mums thoughts, Paul volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon & I are just flatmates". About a week later, Simon came to Paul saying, "Ever since your Mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?" "Well I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure" said Paul.

So he sat down and wrote:

DEAR MOTHER,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID" TAKE THE FRYING PAN FROM MY HOUSE, I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DID NOT" TAKE THE FRYING PAN, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IT HAS BEEN MISSING EVER SINCE YOU WERE HERE FOR DINNER.

LOVE PAUL

Several days later, Paul received an email from his mother which read:

DEAR SON,

I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO" SLEEP WITH SIMON, AND I'M NOT SAYING THAT YOU "DO NOT" SLEEP WITH SIMON, BUT THE FACT REMAINS THAT IF HE WAS SLEEPING IN HIS OWN BED, HE WOULD HAVE FOUND THE FRYING PAN BY NOW.

LOVE MUM

Lesson of the day, NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER

[caz]

Boy, I bet they miss these posts on TOP...

[Steve Hopwood]

As I walked down the busy footpath, knowing I was late for an important meeting, my eye fell upon one of those unfortunate, homeless vagabonds that are found in every city these days.
Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying every worldly possession in two plastic bags, my heart was touched by this person's condition.
Some people turned to stare. Others quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow contaminate them.
Recalling some long ago Sunday School admonition to "care for the sick, feed the hungry and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.
Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a hidden beauty.
A small voice inside my head called out,
"Reach out, reach out!"

So I did..........






*




*



I get out of the hospital in about 3 months.
It would be nice to get a card or maybe a visitor.

[Benj]

That is apalling steve

[Steve Hopwood]

benwalker446 said:

That is apalling steve

True. It is also in keeping with the true spirit of this thread.

In truth, there should be an 'actually funny' removal filter. ;D

[Benj]

Yeh - Something for the moderators to do

[petite joueuse]

A man was sitting watching TV one night when the doorbell rang.
He got up, went to the front door and opened it...only to find a hideous six-foot thingyroach standing there.
The thingyroach said "Good evening, sir", slapped the man across the face and scuttled away.

Next night the man was just settling down to TV again when the doorbell rang.
He got up, went to the front door and opened it...only to find the same nasty six-foot thingyroach standing there. "Good evening, sir", it said and then punched him in the nose and scuttled off.

Next evening, the man was watching Coronation Street when the doorbell rang.
He got up, went to the front door and opened it.
This time, before the ugly thingyroach could say "Good evening, sir", it attacked him, punching him, kicking him, biting him and then scuttled away......


Several weeks later the man came round from a coma in hospital - the doctors were all watching him carefully. The senior consultant said "We really didn't think you would make it. We've never seen such horrendous injuries - what on earth happened? Can you talk about it?"

So the man described the thingyroach's three visits, finishing with the last brutal attack....


"Ahhh..." said the consultant, "That explains things.....









There has been a very nasty bug going around!"

[petite joueuse]

OOPS -
censorship uses "thingyroach" instead of "cookroach"!!!

[Steve Hopwood]

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

[Benj]

stevehopwood said:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Haha Steve - Has the censor changed your Scun.thorpe into Stingthorpe on the If I could turn back time thread

[Steve Hopwood]

benwalker446 said:

stevehopwood said:

;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Haha Steve - Has the censor changed your Scun.thorpe into Stingthorpe on the If I could turn back time thread

Nope, it used to and I rather liked it, so I always call 'Scunnthorpe' 'Stingythorpe'.

[mitch]

Just got this joke today and thought it wasn't that good. But the funniest bit was the frying pan bit, so just had to share it with you.


A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" the man asked. The wife replied "That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket".


The man then said "When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on"

The wife apologized and went on with her housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

"Your horse phoned"

End of joke.

So, anyway, I was thinking , do you think the wife was using her hand to hit him but just played the violin ?
Sorry it's such a c*** joke, by the way.

[mitch]

This is better but terrible

Subject: The Bacon Tree


>> > DON'T BLAME ME ............ I DIDN'T WRITE IT !!!
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>> > The Bacon Tree
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>> > Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,
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>> > wandering aimlessly and close to death.
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>>inevitable, when
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>> > all of a sudden.......
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>> > "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?
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>> > Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."
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>> > "Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".
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>> > So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,
>>and
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>> > there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
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>> > There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture ...
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>> > there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...
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>> > every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
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>> > "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved!
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>> > Eet EES a bacon tree!"
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>> > "Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?;
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>> > We ees in the Desert don't forget."
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>> > "Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like
>>bacon...ees
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>> > no meerage, ees a bacon tree".
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>> > And with that ....Luis races toward the tree.
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>> > He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind,
>>when all
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>> > of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his
>>tracks.
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>> > It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is,
>>he
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>> > "Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."
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>> > "Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it?
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>> > "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...
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>> > ... Eees a Ham Bush!"


I'll try and do better next time.

[Amy]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"

Dad says, "I am the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People. Baby brother, we will call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mom sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ."

[schubertiad]

Why did the thief break into the bakery?
He kneaded the dough.

And one more (keep this one out of the reach of small children...)
A man is the sole survivor in a shipwreck. He washes up on an island, and finds his only company to be a pig and a dog. The island is bursting with tropical fruit, providing him with all the food and drink he could wish for. However, after several weeks, he sorely misses human contact, particularly that of a female nature. In his desperation, he begins to develop a soft spot for the pig. One evening he is preparing to make his move, when the dog comes rushing out growling and barking. The pig runs away. The next night the man tries again to make amorous advances on the tempting pig, and once again is foiled by the dog. This continues for several weeks, until one day he sees a body floating by the island. He rushes out to sea, drags it inland, and discovers that it is a beautiful young woman, and she is still alive. He gives her the kiss of life, and as she comes to, she fixes her dazzling, hypnotic eyes on him, and whispers "you have saved me. I am forever yours. What would you have me do?" She lifts her beautiful face up to his. "I will do ANYTHING".
"Well", says the man "for a start you can take that bloody dog for a walk!"