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Post by Steve Hopwood on Nov 24, 2006 22:58:25 GMT
A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's going to start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said,
"Quick, another beer before it starts." "That's it!" She blows her top, "You bastard!
You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say ppppo to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.
Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and Iron all day long?" The husband sighed.
"Oh place where satan lives, it's started."
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Post by anacrusis on Nov 24, 2006 23:15:14 GMT
You're quite right, Steve...that joke is dreadful. ;D ;D ;D
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Post by chocolatedog on Nov 24, 2006 23:15:44 GMT
Ehup `Steve
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 11, 2006 22:16:53 GMT
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cokktails", "highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Post by SuzyMac on Dec 11, 2006 23:04:37 GMT
;DWhat do you mean, 2040...?! It's like that now on my ward! ;D
Yay, moved to the children's wards this week!
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 16, 2006 13:30:07 GMT
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip ... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa swore on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a gorgeous winter's day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
And thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
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Post by Trebor on Dec 16, 2006 17:37:36 GMT
That's...terrible
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 17, 2006 13:01:20 GMT
Subject: Tale from an Aussie school
BILLY'S GAY DANCER DAD Billy was at school this morning in the outback of Australia and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers Came fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him." The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true. "No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for England but I was just too embarrassed to say."
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 22, 2006 14:23:36 GMT
One from Heidi: Q: what do you call a Bee that cannot speak clearly? A: a Mumble Bee.
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Post by chocolatedog on Dec 22, 2006 17:25:47 GMT
what goes zzub zzub? A bee flying backwards......... (Puffin jokebook from when I was about 10 - I found it side-splittingly funny at that age........ )
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Post by princessmoose on Dec 22, 2006 20:20:28 GMT
My 4 year old brother keeps saying this one: Why did the bottle of gin (edit its b a n a n a ) ::)go to the doctors? Because it wasn't peeling very well .
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 28, 2006 23:05:23 GMT
This tickled me on tv a couple of minutes ago. Q: What is the difference between intelligence and stupidity? A: Intelligence has limits.
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Post by anacrusis on Dec 30, 2006 22:41:11 GMT
I loooove that one.... ;D
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 31, 2006 12:17:53 GMT
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty- five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like Heck they're getting a divorce, she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles and turns to his wife. "They're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."
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Post by Steve Hopwood on Dec 31, 2006 12:22:05 GMT
My heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed and Healthy.
Extra thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat crap in the glue on envelopes - cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
Because of your genuine concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it I know it can remove toilet stains, which is not exactly an appealing characteristic.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer eat KFC because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer worry about my soul because at last count, I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl on the internet who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
I no longer have any money at all in fact - but that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special on-line email program.
Yes, I want to thank you all so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favour! If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people In the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhoea will land on your head at 5:30 PM (GMT) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
DO IT NOW OR ELSE. HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE
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